Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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