The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I haven't been this sober since birth.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
