tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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