Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
