Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
