I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
3 2 1 whiskey
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
