Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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