I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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