i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
