Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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