Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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