I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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