If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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