A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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