Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You need a sexual gate keeper
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
