I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this just has baby written all over it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
