I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
