They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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