shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
