some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
