Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
