I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
