I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
