I wanna bring you to show and tell
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
