I am spending my child support on dildos
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
