I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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