i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His hands were made for my vagina.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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