eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
