If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
