Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
