I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
