in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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