I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
