I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
