I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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