I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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