1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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