I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
