I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
