I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
