You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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