i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
