blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
