The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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