i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
