dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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