My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
