While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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