I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
