college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
